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tv   At Midnight  Comedy Central  February 27, 2014 2:02am-2:31am PST

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it is 11:59 and 59 seconds, this happened on youtube today. >> oh, my, where is this going? this beyonce delightfully explicit video for "partition", was officially released to the public yesterday and the public immediately began releasing in their pants. the video has been available on her visual album since december but for most of america it has been a delayed orgasm, so in case you still have internet blue balls the internet features a very bored housewife trying to get her husband's attention i am not sure what happens i think she gets bitten by an radioactive cheetah and turns into a super stripper but i guess she has her husband's attention now are you going to butt that in the paper you mother (bleep)! why won't jay-z put that newspaper down? so as i said i think she is some
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kind of super hero and i feel she needs a neetsz a name so what would her super hero name be. >> first it is hard to make fun of beyonce because she makes us all feel so good about ourselves. >> but her superhero name, oprah. andy daly. >> i think the beyonce super hero name is person i don't know anything about woman. >> beyonce man, i can't joke about this kind of thing, i take this very seriously. >> chris: okay, i'm sorry, that is very fair to take the high road, robin. >> it's time for @midnight! captioning sponsored by comedy central good evening, i'm chris hardwick welcome to @midnight, the show that trades social media gold for cash. by cash i mean points, a form of currency on this show, tonight's comedians are performing at one-eyed jacks in new orleans, it is natasha leggero!
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[ cheers and applause ] >> in case you don't know natasha has a show on josh's channel, the youtube channel. >> i interview people in my hot tub, yes. >> chris: clothing is optional, sometimes in the hot tub. who would your dream guest be in the hot tub? >> corddry. >> i can make that happen. >> well, the middleman by the way is star of comedy central's review, series premiers march 6th, it's andy daly. [ cheers and applause ] >> andy filed on his web site says he was born on the mean streets of westchester county new york how heavy did it get out there for you man? >> yeah, it was dice city i'm lucky to be here. >> from children's hospital a phenomenal show which you should already know about thursday on
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adult swim, it's rob corddry,. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: and you know, i will point out, rob and at the open of the show in love with his twitter bio i am a gentleman so i assume you will continue to conduct yourself as a gentleman would this evening. >> i don't know what gentleman means. >> to be fair. >> to be fair. >> okay. good. we are going to find out. let's begin ripped from today's internet headlines it is rapid refresh! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: this brought us endless joy in the writer's room this morning, this team photo of houston astros bullpen coach craig bjornson has led to the creation of so many memes that deadspin.com has started a photoshop contest featuring memes like this one. >> apparently instead of smile and say cheese born son decided to clench up and say a hey,
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sorry, folks. >> which of the following craig bjornson received the most online likes. >> craig with a side of beef. >> b. craig in the usual suspects. >> c, craig as the king cake baby! >> which one of those got the most likes. andy daly. >> i am going to say craig and the side of beef because to me he shows us the -- >> the correct answer is, yes, well done! 100-point! >> 100 points. >> all right, guys, moving on. up in the sky it is a bird, it is a plane no, actually it is a bird hitting a plain,. >> oh! >> a plane. >> that was a bird. >> see how stupid a bird
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invading a space that humans have conquered with technology american technology. stupid bird! >> we will dominate you on land and in the air bird! >> he landed safely and lived to tell fox news about it. i mean, the guy not the bird, the bird is way dead. >> however, during the news report one very ironic fact about the pilot rob webber was revealed. >> was it, a he was in the stands the day randy johnston blew up a bird with a fastball? >> boom, boom, what are the odds? you can't even feel bad about that, it is like a good (bleep) shot! >> they should have won the game just based on that. all right. you guys win. why did the world not end that day? >> b. he was wearing an angry birds t-shirt during the incident. >> or, c the morning of his flight he had just finished captain sullenberger's book
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highest duty, my search for what really matters. >> natasha leggero. >> the fourth one. >> let's take a look and find out. >> oh, this one. he was actually wearing an angry birds. shirt. >> angry birds, there is a score. i see it as a sport but unfortunately this was the angry birds shirt. that is the end of rapid refresh and now it is time for tonight's hash tag wars! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: the academy awards are on sunday and that means two things, oscar parties and hangovers on monday so tonight's # is drunk films. drunk films examples would captain morgan fill lowe's, last of the mihitso or miller's genuine draft crossing. >> race for dick tracy.
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>> i can't get a boner right now. >> points. >> natasha. >> why i like huckabee. >> corddry. >> it is a mad, mad, mad mothers against drunk driving. >> chris: points, points. well done. >> andy. >> schindler's wine list. >> chris: points. natasha. >> the good, the bad and the ugly and i would (bleep) all three! >> chris: points! andy. >> keg stand by me. andy daly. >> a clockwork orange juice and vodka also known as a screwdriver. >> chris: well done. points. corddry. >> the unbearable lightness of miller light. >> chris: yes, i will give you that. andy. >> 12-year-old scotch a slave. >> chris: listen audience of white people, calm down.
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no racial boundaries have been violated in the previous joke. it is okay. points andy daly. >> i am legend and i am an alcoholic. >> chris: points well done. rob corddry that is the end of tonight's hash tag wars, send up your drunk films hash tags. >> well
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for our new brand new game, the show must go!
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[ cheers and applause ] >> chris: show nuff is a tumblr that features terrible pr pictures from the theatre of the united states. comedians i am going to show you a pr still and for 250 points i want you to buzz in with what you think the title of this play should be. all right. here is this one here is a guy playing golf in his office. yes, rob corddry. >> "death of a salesman"'s wife due to blunt head trauma. >> chris: i will give you point for that, really, the entire plot of the play is in the title of the play. it is the whole -- it is a very short, short play. >> chris: the play -- >> and it end with her dying the spoiler. >> chris: for like four conds he comes in bows and leaves. it is all in the title. all right. i thought this play was called put your balls in my mouth. >> chris: all right. this next one features an old timey gun. what is happening? there is an
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old -- it looks like it was one of those old timey photo studios, yes natasha. >> "the daily show". [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: points. this one has a knife and what i am hoping is a zune. i don't know -- what that is. she is listening to tunes and this other girl is going to stab her in the neck. what is that calls? rob corddry. >> who is afraid of virginia's knife? >> chris: points. yes natasha. much to do about cochella. >> points! and that is the end of the show must go. it is time for our next game wax on, wax off. >> chris: all right. comedians aim going to read you part of a yelp review about waxing and you tell me if the reviewer is talking about
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putting wax on a car in which case you would say wax on or about taking things off a lady's area with wax in which you would say wax off. >> what are you talking about? >> pubic hair you are talking about. >> chris: what? that is a correct answer but i can't give you points for that. >> okay. >> chris: wait i'm sorry, yes. 100 points for rob corddry for that. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: all right. sometimes with this game you have to fill in points whenever you can. okay. this first one, i don't know why they won't use a hard wax for those tough spots but because they don't, i had to quit going. i'm so excited to see where there is going. natasha leggero. >> i have gotten bikini waxes all over the land from the airport -- this is -- >> chris: what wait, at the airport, of course they give you the landing strip. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> and cine bun waxing for wax. >> so it is delicious and cosmetic. >> hard wax i never heard of that that has to be a car thing. >> chris: you think it is a car thing? you think it is wax on. >> no the correct answer is wax off. >> wax on spa. >> what are her tough spots? >> chris: i think it is between the north and south pole. that is a pretty tough spot. all right the next one, thanks buddy now my hood is clean but there are scratches from you picking at it. >> i know which one i hope this is. >> >> chris: rob corddry. >> i mean it has got to be wax on but i am hoping it's wax off. i will take the zero. >> chris: the correct answer is in fact wax on. >> boo! [ cheers and applause ] >> man there is nothing like a
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clean hood. >> chris: winchester gangster in the house! [ cheers and applause ] >> next one, nobody will put their fingers in your stuff. >> >> chris: i just saw three women in the front row like this. yes, andy daly. >> i think it has got to be wax on, because you know those guys want to put your fingers in your stuff. >> chris: the correct answer is wax on from madison car wash! all right, get our your fork knives and barf bag, barf bag? yes, that's where i keep my dog i keep my dog in a barf bag. >> i keep him in a leash but i put him in a barf bag, how about a barf bag wax.
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for rob corddry now i have to leave my (bleep). >> get out your fork knife and barf bag livescience.com is -- don't give me (bleep) for when i am doing my job. livescience.com is reporting that sausages are healthier when they are made with bayh, baby poop. >> let me say that ben so that lip readers know that i said baby poop sausages. the baby poop is apparently probiotic so this could be the next trend in healthy dining. comedians please write a yelp review of a restaurant that serves baby poop sausages. we will get there right after the break. (áezez&8úx,krhmfmfmf6363cúçfnyóú w-x"ú=;cpï,÷&6-x
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[ cheers and applause ] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i -- because i am a bad person i told you that livescience.com has discovered that sausages with baby poop are surprisingly healthy for you. i asked you to write a yelp review of a restaurant that serves baby poop sausage. andy daly. >> the sausages were delicious but when we asked to meet the baby that provided the poop it refused to come to the table. that is just rude. three stars. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: and babies are's holes! >> assholes. >> not a fan of, fetus poop but still doesn't do vegan food. >> chris: well done. mr. corddry. >> come for the baby poop, stay for the placenta. [ applause ]
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>> chris: all right. 1,000 bounds to andy daly 500 points to natasha and rob corddry as we jump to the next game, kick start it, kick start it. [ applause ] >> chris: there are some fantastic, very worthwhile kick starter projects out there, unfortunately there are way too many that no one in their right minds would invest in. keyed yanls i want you to come up with as many projects that are less deserving. >> hey, zach rack rent. >> chris: rob corddry. >> a baby poop sausage restaurant. >> chris: fine points. >> bring my erotic fan boyar rot tick to the big screen. >> chris: rob corddry. >> socks for your hands, they are not gloves. i can't -- it is hard to explain it verbally. >> chris: points.
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the whole title is very difficult. >> it is different. >> chris: andy daly. >> handcuffs for starving children. >> chris: points. points, natasha. >> abortion doctor typical claire. >> tip, calculator. >> chris: andy. >> want to make a stock remake with all of the original actors. >> chris: points. natasha. >> woody allen orphan steakhouse. >> chris: i have to give her points. i have to give her points. andy daly. >> three words, vietnamese sex slave. >> chris: you are raising a fund to kick start that? what exactly are you paying for? >> for the slave. >> chris: okay. points. you know, to have one. >> yes yes. [ buzzer ] >> chris: rob corddry, one more. >> beyonce man, i hope -- i
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stress, just how important this radioed is to me. okay. good. >> chris: i will give you points for that, sure. that is the end of kick start, oh rob corddry you are in third place, i am so sorry. >> it is impossible. >> chris: i know it seems impossible. >> impossible. >> chris: we are all trying to deal with it at the moment and believe that it is true, but i know. i know, but do you have any last words before which we fire you into the solar system. >> yeah, i thought @midnight was a playboy show. it is not at all. it is super hard. >> chris: well, it is in a sense that we have to put on the red light. bam! so sorry, rob corddry. you will be missed. that means it is time to put your points where your mouth is, it is for the win! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: now, it is no surprise that "the wolf of wall street" was nominated for leo
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dicap. >> i am trying to make it shorten it like i know him. >> we scoured the internet and found this really bad wax figure of leo and katie couric. >> kate winslet from the titanic. >> it looks like michael jackson is trying to scare elvira. >> apparently that is leo and kate from titanic please give me a line the wax figures are saying from this movie. >> we will name a winner when we come back @midnight.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. this is the moment you have been waiting for, it's time for for the win! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: i am going to wipe your scores clean and i am going to like it because it comes down to this head-to-head challenge,
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wipe wipe wipe. i am going to read your answers aloud without revealing who wrote what so the audience will decide who should he pledge the winner before the break we showed you these really awesome wax figures of leonardo dicaprio and kate winslet, it was found online and asked you to please give me a line, the wax figures are saying in this movie, the first one, somehow we both look like bruce jenner. [ applause ] >> chris: or. i am fine, i am flying to a better wax museum, this place blows, it is literally a titanic of wax museums. >> i think number one has it. who was number one? who was number one? ms. natasha leggero! victory! throw your jacket on the floor! she is the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours. the well done, natasha until then we will see you tomorrow
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night, until then keep the game going on twitter with your hash tags drunk movies. >> i am chris hardwick captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org . oh, my goodness. this dude brian nicholera i went to high school with just friended me he just moved here. oh, my god. people from high school only friend you, like, after business hours if they wanna hook up. really? i had a huge crush on him. oh, you should ask him out. i can't just do that. oh, my god he "likes" "roseanne." okay, this is-- this is your new sexual partner. all right, i'm asking him out. i'm just gonna do it. do it. this is so great. like, why are we waiting for guys to come to us, ilana?
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